Val 🏳️‍⚧️ (En)

I wanna start this post saying this is really me opening up about myself, and it’s something I need to write to vent about some things inside me.

With that said, I also wanna say that this will be a hard reading, because I’ll write about delicate topics, such as mental health and suicide mention. So if you don’t wanna read this little venting session, you better skip this one.

When people ask how are you, you often answer “good”. Whether it’s because you really feel it, or just mere courtesy. In my case, I answer “I’m still alive, that’s something”. And yes, there have been days on which I’m okay. But generally these days I’ve been generally in zombie mode. Or flat out tired for everything and nothing. To say the truth, there have been days on which I don’t want to get out of bed, but the job makes me do it, and I’m practically burnt out. And the things I have done to relax and get distracted are really more work. For example, the comic translations, writing for this blog, or a page I’m doing with JavaScript.

I’ve been really frustrated, and sometimes I do feel really insufficient, more particularly at work for not being able to get the metrics asked. Anyone who sees that it’s an office job might think it’s not tiring at all. And honestly, you’re right. Physically it’s not tiring at all. But it’s mentally and emotionally demanding, and that IS tiring. Ironically I have had troubles sleeping, and staying asleep. And there are days I have a really constant, intense headache. My body practically demands a rest, but the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts don’t make it easy at all.

Speaking about intrusive thoughts, and going back on feeling insufficient, the last week of February 2025 was particularly difficult in that regard. So much that there was a day on which I was walking from the public transport stop to my job, and thoughts about jumping to the road went through my head for a car to bump me. What stopped me is that, between all that mess in my head, I thought, «but how is my family gonna do without my help?». Not even the fear of letting unfinished projects, or my fear to the non-existence, or the hopes of not being alone anymore (which is another thing to unpack). To say the truth, with it’s ups and down and whatnot, my family has supported me a lot. But even with their help and support, I have felt really alone since, well, I stopped having a best friend, and I feel like I haven’t had a closure with that, but I know that won’t happen. Both of us are really obstinate for that. Besides, there are some extended family members who have distanced themselves from me, or that the relationship is stranded, so I won’t deny I have felt really alone, and I have a hard time getting closer to people. Both out of fear of hurting people, and getting hurt. More of the latter, but still.

Thinking a bit about everything, I think I have gone through a depressive episode since middle or late December, and I haven’t fully recovered from that. And seeing the news about what’s happening in the United States and here in Mexico just makes things worse. Although there are some days I feel really good. For example, the other day I was walking from my job to the bus stop, and the wind made the dried leaves fall from the trees, and I thought it was such a nice effect. Besides, although these situations I have described are really overwhelming for me, there are people who have it worse. My brother, for example, cannot see his daughter because her mother took her out of the country illegally, and we can’t do anything about it, and also there are some people I know who are not accepted by their families, among other things. So I try to be a little bit more flexible with myself, and making myself see that I’m not as fucked up as other people. But… yeah. The inner demons are present.

I think I just wanted to express all of this I had inside to sort my head a bit and vent out. So I’ll simply gonna end this saying that yes, I could be better. But I’m okay.